Forever Grateful

The Camp's Story of Infertility and Miscarriage

photos by Kathleen Rodgers

I love this time of year; being surrounded by those we love and taking time to stop and give thanks. God's word instructs us in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 to "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." That verse doesn't say give thanks only when everything is going right, but in everything no matter what. These words have become real to me many times over because the Lord has shown me how to give thanks in the good times and the hard times. 

Let me start from the beginning. In high school, I vividly remember praying for a husband who would love the Lord and love me. In 2011, I married that man.

For Jason, I am forever grateful.

I had our lives all planned out, with a house full of kids and successful careers. In 2013, the Lord expanded our family with the most remarkable daughter in the world!

For Molly, I am forever grateful.

I could share story after story, season after season, for which I am easily grateful. But in 2017, there was a season for me, in our marriage and family, that took time to feel grateful for.

In order to share my heart with you, please understand that I feel the need to be transparent and vulnerable. In February of 2017, we found out we were pregnant with twins! The day we found out, I thought Jason was either going to divorce me or kill me. I had always hoped for twins (which ran in both of our families), but we were still shocked, to say the least. It was only a couple weeks later, though, that we received the devastating news that neither of our babies had a heartbeat. That's the day my heart stopped beating also.

My whole world came crashing down and I felt like I was in this pit of darkness. I was angry. I kept thinking, "Why did my babies have to die?" and I resented other women who didn't care for their babies or even want them! I wrestled with God so much during that season of life, but instead of pushing me back, my Lord and Savior rescued me from that darkness.

For Him, I am forever grateful. 

His words in Deuteronomy 31:6 tell us to "Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you." For this promise, I am forever grateful. So often in hard times, people throw out the line, "God won't give you more than you can handle," but this isn't actually in the Bible. It does say that God promises He won't allow us to be tempted beyond what we can handle (1 Corinthians 10:13). I absolutely believe God does give us more than we can handle so that we do not rely on our own strength and fully rely on Him instead.

I am reminded of "Footprints in the Sand." My grandmother introduced me to this poem when I was a child. In short, a man is walking with Jesus along a shore and he noticed during the good times in life there were two sets of footprints. However, there was only one set of footprints during the bad times. The man asked Jesus why this was so, and he replies with my favorite line, "my child it was then that I carried you." Jesus carries us, I am forever grateful. 

I struggled through the darkness for a very long time, blaming myself for losing our babies because of some decision I had made, something I had done wrong, or because of my sins. God and I spent a lot of time together on my front porch swing during this season. For that time, I am forever grateful. The blame game occurred over and over again until one particular day the Lord led me to John 9:1-3. Jesus and His disciples were walking through Jerusalem when they passed by a man that was blind from birth. The disciples immediately asked Jesus, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind." Too often, I jump to conclusions and think I know enough just like the disciples did. Jesus' response to them assures me that I know just as little as they did. "Neither this man, nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in Him." For God's living and powerful word, I am forever grateful. 

We all suffer trials at different points in our lives but playing the blame game is useless because of our lack of knowledge of the bigger picture. Maybe our suffering is the testing of our faith, for our edification, to bring God's glory, a result of our public faith in Jesus Christ, or a consequence of our sins. Regardless of the cause of suffering, it is an opportunity for deeper intimacy with Christ and the glory of God to be revealed. This is the hope and prayer for my life.

It's incredible how the Lord works. My soul ached for something, and I wasn't sure what it was until the FBC Infertility and Miscarriage Support Group formed. I knew very little about the stigma the weight of a miscarriage brought until my eyes were opened to more and more women who had suffered in silence. This group allowed us to be open and honest and find comfort in each other. For these ladies, I am forever grateful.

Months and months went on without any hope in sight for more children, followed by a heavy blow from a fertility specialist informing us that both of my tubes were blocked, giving us little hope for conception. We had little hope that Molly would be a big sister, something she struggled to understand. At this point, Jason and I decided we would continue to live life as a family of three and not seek any sort of fertility treatment. Don't get me wrong, we are content and overwhelmed with joy to have Molly. I thank God for her every single day. This experience has taught me not to take any moment for granted. We have drawn closer to the Lord, closer together as husband and wife, and closer together as a family of three. For this bond, I am forever grateful. 

Life continued on and then in late 2018, we found out we were pregnant again. I actually remember thinking, "Wow, God! We get to share with others that even though the doctors said no, you said yes to this miracle baby." Except, this time, it was an ectopic pregnancy. I thought I was okay, but then all of those thoughts and feelings from the past came crashing back down on top of me. Weeks of treatment added sickness on top of the darkness. An optimistic friend counseled Jason to see the silver lining; after all of this, it seems Molly is our miracle baby. Isaiah 55:8-9 says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." These verses are hard to swallow sometimes because I want to know and be in control. I just have to cling to the voice of truth.

I can't imagine how wonderful Heaven will be, but I can just imagine me and Jason, sitting with Molly and a lap full of our babies, all of us praising the Lord together for eternity! As much as we wanted them here with us now, our babies were rescued from this cruel world and now rest in the arms of Jesus. For His arms, I am forever grateful.

Eventually, we picked up the pieces of our lives and moved forward without any future plans. That is, until July 3rd, 2019. Much to our surprise, we received a positive pregnancy test, confirmed by our doctor a week later. I was pregnant again and more afraid about the future as each day passed. However, God's living word popped into my head, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths" (Proverbs 3:5-6). My mom has reminded me of this verse countless times. For her shoulder, I am forever grateful. 

The best thing I know to do in every season of life is to trust in the Lord. On August 13th, we got to see Baby Camp and a tiny heartbeat. Then, on October 1st, we heard Baby Camp's healthy heartbeat of 148. We are now 5 months pregnant. Honestly, there is hardly a day that goes by that I don't fear the worst, but I just have to cling to the Lord's living and powerful word to trust in Him. If we meet this baby on earth, we will also commit him or her to the Lord just as we did Molly. With a cheerful heart, we will pray Proverbs 3:5-6 over this cherished child. We are forever grateful for our family of three, each day we are given with Baby Camp, and the living, powerful word of God!