Marriage & Mental Health - Looking Back
We’ve had the opportunity to profile many individuals and their struggles with mental health through Redefined. We knew that we wanted to talk about marriage and mental health this month, but we decided as a team to go one step further. I reached out to the spouses of some of the individuals that we’ve profiled, to give them a chance to share what they learned through their significant other’s struggle with mental health and how they navigated those issues together in their marriage. Here’s what they had to say.
Tom Jenkins: I have learned the true meaning of unconditional love from my marriage and relationship with someone who has suffered from a mental health issue. You make a marriage vow and include the words “for better or for worse.” Often, we think the worse is something that will come from “out there”, like losing a job, financial distress, or parenting children. Depression is not an enemy “out there”; it’s living in your den, in your bedroom,
it’s when you wake and when you’re trying to sleep. Depression defies logic. You give an encouraging word to your spouse a thousand times, but they don’t believe you when depression is sitting on their shoulder. You love them anyway. Depression robs you of the best your spouse can bring to a relationship. You love regardless. You love not just hoping it will pass. You love them in their darkness, knowing that this may be the best. You love unconditionally, and you learn to love yourself and others as well.
You understand more deeply, feel more deeply, and love more deeply. You yearn for the best for and in your spouse, and you love them through it all. Unconditional love doesn’t have a limit; it doesn’t think, “If my spouse reaches this point, then I’m done.” You learn that love can stretch beyond where you thought the limits were. In the famous words of the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 13 (MSG):
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Nick Gordon: Here is what I learned watching Mary Todd go through her struggles:
Many couples that we look up to and respect have told us, in a marriage, it’s not about getting through the bad days. It’s more of getting through the bad periods, whether that be weeks, months, or years. When we got married, I liked to consider
myself a husband who could take anything on and lead my family to better times. I have only begun to learn, however, that it is not by any power I may think I have that we have gotten through some rough times. Watching someone you love go through something like that had an emotional toll on both of us individually and as a couple. All I could think was, “What can I do to make things better, or easier, or make it go away?” The answer was, simply, “nothing.”
The feeling of helplessness is incredibly uncomfortable for me; I am a “fixer” or a “doer.” I see an issue, I develop a plan, and I work to carry it out. If that plan didn’t work, I come up with another one, over and over. Seeing my “plan” never work in this situation made me grow tired and frustrated.
Seeing Mary Todd’s constant battle only made me want to help even more. My power couldn’t, and can’t get her through this. This was something that she had to come through on her own with determination, patience, and the mercy of our Savior.
Stepping back and watching her learn from that time and grow in her trust of God has never made me prouder as a husband. She battled every day for many days, but by the grace of God, she never gave in and came back a little stronger each of those days.
She has learned so many things about herself, her relationships with others, and the power that prayer and hope can have. She may never go through another struggle again, or she may struggle every day for the rest of our lives.
There are two things that I feel confident in: first, I will be next to her to offer her any help I can, no matter how small, and second, God’s story for her is meant to glorify Him, and if this is what we have to go through, it will be worth it.
RC Fron: I never had any experience with mental health and didn’t know what it was until we had our first child. The whole experience of having a baby is huge; your whole life changes exponentially, and as a new parent, you’re just doing your best to provide for the baby and adjust to this new normal. Like any husband, you try to be as supportive as possible during this transition time.
Holly is a perfectionist; I love that about her. But what I didn’t understand was the pressure of being a new mom. When things didn’t seem to be normal, I just thought it would change with time. Looking back at that time of our lives, we should have gotten help sooner instead of waiting. Going to a counselor was the best decision we’ve ever made. It helped my perspective of what was going on, and it really helped Holly’s health.
If you asked me what my advice would be if someone were in the same situation, I would tell them to:
Be supportive in seeking help in order to get better together. As a partner in this don’t frame it as “you’re messed up and you need help”. We made a vow to be with one another through sickness and health, and this is part of that.
Get over the pride of getting professional help. Things like depression don’t get better over time, and it’s OK to admit you can’t do it on your own and to get outside help.
Read the book Boundaries. It really helped our relationship.
