Marriage & Mental Health

Imagine a young couple on their wedding day. They are filled with hope for the future, surrounded by love, and their minds are full of big dreams. Does the couple know what awaits them in the future? Definitely not. They will certainly encounter many unexpected circumstances as they settle into their new life and real-life hits them hard. Yes, there are joys and hopefully, plenty of love. But finances, times of mourning, conflict, unmet expectations, and jobs can lead to struggles for any couple. Mental health issues are also a struggle that many married couples deal with. What do you do when your spouse is struggling with mental health? How can you support them?

I remember my wedding day vividly. It was June 16, 2012, a hot day, but we couldn’t have asked for prettier weather. The sky was so beautiful. We had the day we wanted; we were surrounded by friends and family. I was 29 years old and this was a day I had waited a long time for. I was finally getting to marry the man I had prayed about for so long. We settled into married life and quickly discovered the ups and downs that come with marriage.

A year later we found out Henry, our oldest son was on his way and we were beyond ecstatic. I had wanted to be a mother for as long as I could remember. Henry was born and then postpartum anxiety and depression hit me hard. I began to feel like I was an awful mother and everyone would be better off without me. I contemplated and pictured the most terrible things in my mind. Thoughts of suicide intruded and forced their way into my mind. I didn’t recognize who I was anymore. I was hearing voices and those voices told me to do awful things. I would put on a smile and act like life was so good, but inside I was dying. I didn’t understand what was going on. Why couldn’t I be happy since I had so much good in my life?

It was also hard for my husband, RC, to understand. He often asked me the same question – why couldn’t I be happy? What was going on? He couldn’t understand why I was struggling when I was surrounded by so many blessings from the Lord. Then in 2014, on a Saturday in June, I had a literal breakdown. I was unrecognizable. I said and did some incredibly shameful things, and I deeply regret that day. Bless my husband – he also recognized that something deeper was going on. Thankfully, I had started going to counseling about a month beforehand. RC called my counselor and said this was worse than we expected. More needed to be done. That was the “call to action” that my mental health desperately needed. We went to counseling together and I started on some medicine. I praise God for my husband and his swift response to what was becoming a worsening issue. RC has been a big support in my journey to healing, and I am so thankful for the growth that we have both experienced through this. Without his help and the Lord’s healing grace, I don’t know where I would be today.

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Mental health is one of those issues in marriage that can lead to conflict. Many times, one spouse is struggling and the other is not. The supporter-spouse may not know what to do or how to respond to their spouse’s thoughts, words, or actions. It can be a confusing and conflicting time. Thankfully, we have professionals who can offer us words of advice. Amanda Coleman, a member of FBC Starkville and a licensed counselor, mental health therapist, and clinical manager at Baptist Hospital in Columbus, answered some of my questions about mental health, marriage, and the church.

What are some of the most common mental health struggles you see, particularly in marriages and the church?

Amanda: Diagnostically, the most common problems that I see are depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and substance use disorders. One spouse might not understand that the other one is experiencing a mental health condition and provides “encouragement” – Just smile, fake it until you make it, push on through, just stop drinking, etc.

Mental illness has a ripple effect on one’s marriage, parenting, intimacy, communication, productivity, socialization, everything.

Untreated mental illness ultimately leads to divorce, even in the church. There can be an unwillingness to seek help because of stigma or embarrassment.

If your spouse is struggling with a mental health condition, what can you do to help and support them?

Amanda: Listen without giving advice. Connect them with a specialist – counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist. Encourage medication compliance. Help them with daily tasks that they may be falling behind with. (If you notice something that needs to be done and can do it, just take the initiative to help.) Pray for them and allow them to have some alone time for self-care, as long as it is safe for them to be alone.

While your spouse is getting help, how can one support them during their treatment?

Amanda: Well, pretty much the same as above. Also, respect your spouse’s privacy and their boundaries. You do not have to know what goes on in their counseling sessions in order to support them. Don’t use their condition as a reason to harass them or parent them. You are not their parent. Making comments like, “Did you take your medicine this morning?” can result in further conflict in the marriage. Help them by developing a plan with them to make sure they don’t forget their medicine, for example. And celebrate the good days! Don’t point out the bad days. Seek counseling with your spouse. Being a caretaker is difficult, and counseling for yourself can help.

Concerning counseling and the church, what stigma have you seen around mental health?

Amanda: Here are just a few examples of what I see and hear every day:

Mental illness is a sign that your spiritual life is not well.
Prayer can cure all things. (Implying that medication is not a component of treatment.)
Counseling is a sign of weakness.
Mental illness is a punishment for your sin.
Anxiety is you not trusting God enough.

If you could tell the church anything about mental health, what would that be?

Amanda: Mental illness is not a character flaw. It affects 1 in 4 Americans. You are not alone! Regardless of the problems you or your spouse are dealing with, help is available. If you reach out to a church staff member and they are not able to help you, they do have resources they can provide for you to get the help you need. A healthy person is one who is physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally healthy. All of those things are interconnected, so if we ignore our mental health, it will affect other areas of our lives. As Christians, the most important thing we can do is to walk beside our friends and family members who are struggling. They are our brothers and sisters. We are not to judge them nor condemn them. We are to show love, not judgment. We are to offer forgiveness, not condemnation. Don’t strive for perfection; strive for improvement.

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The church has a history of sweeping mental health issues under the rug, of saying they need to be “prayed away” or one needs to read their Bible more. Now church family, I do not say this to accuse or point fingers. When I was struggling with postpartum in 2014, I hid it. I did such an excellent job that when I did speak out about it, people would say, “I had no idea!” Well, of course! I didn’t want anyone to know, especially at church. But family, listen! If people don’t feel safe voicing their mental health struggles in the church, where will they go? Who will they feel safe with? Scripture is full of stories of Jesus going to those who struggled and were marginalized. He made them feel safe. We need to be a church that draws in the ones who struggle with depression. We need to put our arms around the teenager who is expressing feelings of anxiety. We need to counsel the young man who is struggling with anger and hate. We need to love the young husband struggling to support his wife through her mental health struggles. If we don’t, who will?

Resources for mental health help:

Scripture to read:
Psalm 46:1-3
Isaiah 40:28-31
Isaiah 43
Matthew 11:28-30
Colossians 1:9-14
Philippians 4:6-7

Local licensed counselors:
Starkville Counseling Associates
662-323-5588 | starkvillecounseling.com

Jill Gorman Counseling
662-648-8477 | jillgormancounseling.com

Christian Changes Counseling
and Recovery Center
662-338-1880 | christianchanges.com

Holly FronFebruary 1, 2020