I have had the pleasure of knowing Cindy and Andy Smith for a little over ten years now. Cindy and I reconnected after I shared my testimony about a year ago. She invited me to listen to her testimony at Celebrate Recovery. I sat in the pew with tears welling up in my eyes, simply in awe of her bravery to be able to speak about abortion. This was a redemption story that needed to be shared with as many people as possible. I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me (okay, shoving me) to encourage Cindy to share with a larger group of people. If no one speaks up, how many will go on to suffer? How many will never fully experience freedom? Are devastating choices like abortion not why Jesus went to the cross? My prayer is that Cindy and Andy’s testimony would reach exactly who God wants them to reach. Thank you, Lord, for inviting us into your grand Story to further your kingdom.

My generation was taught not to “air your dirty laundry” but there is a saying in Celebrate Recovery, a ministry group that I attend, that you are only as sick as your secrets.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
Psalm 147:3

In today’s world of social media, everyone has an opinion. You are either for it or against it. Posts concerning abortion can be downright hurtful to the many men and women who already have regret.

Not everyone who has an abortion is a monster. Most are fearful and broken. This article is for the ones out there who have beaten themselves up over the choice that they made. We want you to know there is forgiveness. It is a process, but you can be healed for what you believe is unforgivable. One of my favorite songs is Beautifully Broken by Plumb.

“Even a million scars doesn’t change whose you are…you are worthy….you are beautifully broken.”

Hello, my name is Cindy. I love Jesus and I have always been Pro-Life, but I had an abortion at the young age of 21. It has been said, “Your ministry is found where you’ve been broken, your testimony is found where you’ve been restored.” I am discovering the truth in this. What the enemy meant for harm, God is now using for good as Andy and I separately share our beautiful stories of healing, forgiveness, and grace.

Not everyone who has an abortion is a monster. Most are fearful and broken. This article is for the ones out there who have beaten themselves up over the choice that they made.

Before we agreed to write this article, we prayed for God’s will. Mary Todd Gordon had heard my testimony at Celebrate Recovery and asked if we would be willing to share with our church. We had to really pray about it and be obedient. We had to tell our four children, two of whom are adults now. It was hard, but now the enemy can’t keep me in bondage in fear that someone will find out or judge me because of my past.

We feel led to take our masks off to show you that we have not always been the people you see now. Everyone has a past and can either heal from it or remain in bondage. We chose to heal. James 5:16 says, “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

God has been healing me since April 2017 through a wonderful Christ-centered ministry called Celebrate Recovery. No, I don’t struggle with drugs and alcohol, but I did carry guilt and shame for over three decades from a decision that would ultimately shape my life.

For years I allowed the enemy to keep me bound with shame and guilt. I went to Celebrate Recovery to support someone else, but like so many who attend, I quickly discovered God had me there for me and nobody else. I began a Step Study with ten beautiful ladies and over the course of eight months, God began to heal my wounds and remind me of His forgiveness, mercy, and grace. I had always believed God had forgiven me, but it was harder to forgive myself. I had confessed my past to these ten ladies and I thought I was finished sharing my story, but it seemed like at every corner I felt God wanted me to do more.

In 2018 our former pastor, Chip Stevens, started the #ForStarkville series. When he said he wanted the community to know what our church was “for” and not just what we were “against” I felt that gentle nudge from the Lord that it was time to share my story. As Christians, it is a no brainer that we are against abortion, but we should also be “for” showing others who have experienced this heartbreaking choice grace, compassion, forgiveness and hope through our Savior, Jesus Christ.

I shared my testimony in the safety net of anonymity and confidentiality of the Celebrate Recovery large group. I invited my Community Group class and a few others. I even invited Chip and attached a copy for him to read in advance. He told me “it was a great testament of God’s amazing grace and needed to be shared. I know it was probably hard for you to do, but you’ll see, even down the road, how God used that night to make a difference in the lives of so many. There’s no doubt that He has so much more in store.” Pastor Chip was right. It was amazing to see how God used my story to show others they too can be forgiven and to stop carrying burdens. And he was right about it being extremely hard to do.

If I am being completely honest, I was more nervous about sharing my story with members of my church than my CR family. I feared judgment. The ones in my class who came showed me the exact opposite. They were very compassionate and told me I was brave and courageous.

Abortion affects the church, the community, the family unit, and even the future family that the woman may not even have at the time of her decision. It is a secret that follows you the rest of your life. One that you bury deep inside hoping never to be found.

“He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.”
Proverbs 28:13

God has now healed me, and I want to encourage others to find healing as well. Not only did I experience healing in my Step Study, but a dear friend told me about a book called Forgiven and Set Free by Linda Cochrane. Coincidentally, the scripture at the beginning of the book is the same one I used a year ago when I first wrote my testimony. Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

“He is the Father who is full of mercy, the God of all comfort. He comforts us every time we have trouble so that when others have trouble, we can comfort them with the same comfort God gives us. We share in the many sufferings of Christ. In the same way, much comfort comes to us through Christ.”
2 Corinthians 1:3

The last Principle of Celebrate Recovery states that we are to “yield to God to be used to bring this Good News to others both by my example and by my words.” For decades I cared more about what others would think of me for having an abortion than to use that hurt to minister to others.

Every year on Sanctity of Life Sunday I would dread going to church as I kept my head down in shame, the devil reminding me of my sin. I was given a rose in the hospital by a Pro-Life group the day after my first daughter was born and they thanked me for choosing life. My heart sank from guilt over what I had done just 5 years prior. The first time I shared my story was January 22, 2019, which so happened to be National Sanctity of Human Life Day. I wonder how many men and women in the church suffer in silence with their secret just as I did. I thank God for giving me the courage to share my story to glorify Him. No matter what you have done, our Father is waiting with open arms to forgive you.

Back before I made the same choice, I knew two girls who had abortions. I remember thinking to myself that I could never do what they did. But when I was faced with the same decision, although I was heartbroken, I convinced myself I had no other choice and felt the pressure. The first time I ever heard someone speak about abortion inside the church walls was after I was already living with the guilt of my own decision. From the altar, this woman talked about her life before she knew Jesus. I can’t tell you the same story because I had been in church all my life and asked Jesus into my heart at the age of 9. When I became a teenager, I followed the crowd and did what everyone else was doing just to be accepted. After she shared her story the discussion continued into the Sunday School hour. I heard people saying “how can anyone do such a thing,” “murderer,” and “a true Christian could never have an abortion.” The enemy had me right where he wanted, and I began to doubt my salvation. I knew that Jesus had forgiven me because I had repented, but it was harder to forgive myself. When I shared my secret with Andy, he showed me so much compassion.

Andy Smith:
After my high school girlfriend and I broke up, she told me she was pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. This was absolutely one of the lowest points of my life. I was responsible for getting her in this condition, but I had absolutely no control over what she chose to do. I felt awful. From a guy’s perspective, this was devastating. I managed to shove it behind a wall where it was kept for many years.

Even after I was saved, I still didn’t want to tell anyone. I told a few people about what I had gone through. It was hidden and out of sight…out of mind. It was one of those things I wanted no one to know about. I was embarrassed and, like Cindy, was scared of the condemnation that would come if I ever told anyone.

I went through a Step Study with eleven other guys who I consider brothers in Christ and as a result, the guilt, shame, and the hurt I had felt over all the years was nailed to the cross and left there. In the words of the popular hymn It Is Well.

“My sin, not in part but the whole, is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more. Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, O my soul!”

What I have learned is that all of this is under the blood of Jesus. I have been healed and forgiven. I have learned that God uses our scars to reach others who are hurting. We are all broken, we all have sin and shame, but our gracious Father heals the hurts and uses them to His glory.

Cindy Smith:
My redemption story began after I was baptized again at the age of 35. It was so symbolic to leave the past in the water; the past that had paralyzed me for years. I might have been saved at 9 but when temptation came, I chose my way instead of God’s. In May of 2000, I was walking daily with the Lord, and learning to trust Him more and more. All those years I had tried to fill my heart with men instead of Jesus. I made a commitment to God to raise my children and be content without a man. But God had other plans. I met Andy the night of the Snow Bowl. A friend had invited me and my children over to watch the game, and her husband had invited Andy.

Being 2.5 hours apart, we spent many hours messaging back and forth getting to know each other. We shared the love of Jesus and Mississippi State football, but most importantly Jesus was Lord of our lives. He had never been married and chose to marry me, a lady who didn’t look good on paper and more like the Samaritan woman at the well. Andy saw me the way Christ saw me. He calls me a priceless treasure. He also reminds me that chivalry isn’t dead because he is such a gentleman. God showed me there were still genuine Christian men in the world.

Andy knew all my secrets and he showed me grace, just like Jesus. On our wedding day, there wasn’t a dry eye in the chapel. He made vows to my children that he would always love them as well as their mother. We didn’t plan on having children of our own but later decided to have a child. We were both pretty shocked when the sonogram revealed not one, but two babies. We don’t believe it was a coincidence at all that it was twins. It was like God was giving us a second chance, reminding us of His grace and mercy. They were born prematurely at 28 weeks, but God never left our side and gave us a peace that they would be just fine.

Jesus tells us in Matthew 28 to go and make disciples of all men, not just the ones who have never struggled or those like us but all men, the downtrodden, the hurting and the broken. When we are beautifully broken and take the band-aids off our scars, God can use our scars and hurts to reach others who are hurting.

I hurt for all the babies who are not even given the opportunity to live, but I also hurt for the ones who made the choice. A choice they must live with Every. Single. Day. I would also like to tell you that if you are currently in this situation, there is help. You can make a different choice. The Starkville Pregnancy Care Center is ready and willing to discuss other options with you.

Worthy Of Love